RFK's Ideas the NIH Should Explore
Redirecting All that Money That's Being Wasted at the NIH on Health Care Research
Americans are breathing a sigh of relief with the appointment a new Director of the US Health and Human Services. In his new role, RFK now assumes responsibility of health and wellness for some 380 million Americans. This is particularly apt for the Lyin’ King’s Humpty Dumpty approach to governance. Neatly summarized this is “Break It so It Can Never Be Fixed Again”. Undoubtably, RFK will do for the HHS what Elon Musk is doing to American International Aid.
It is ironic that RFK should be made responsible for HHS, having been a highly irresponsible public figures for most of his adult life. Among the credentials that he brings to the office is a wealth of first person experience including drug addiction, a parasitic brain infestation and having undergone chelation therapy. (As one Robert to another I have news – the chelation therapy didn’t cure your brain fog).
Now, I don’t want to be ungenerous. We should give the guy a chance to redeem himself. Take it from his family. He’s a generous guy. Growing up, Robert was happy to share his drugs with all the other kids. According to cousin, Caroline Kennedy, this generosity led to more than one death among his many young cousins.
Well, what are some of the ideas RFK can point the NIH at? Here’s a list
Identifying food allergy in children using the non-invasive “Kinetic approach”. Have the parent stand extending the right arm while the child holds on to her left arm. The practitioner pushes down on the parent’s extended right arm while the child holds a small bottle of the suspect allergen in the left hand. If the mother’s arm rises after the practitioner lets go, the child is deemed to be allergic to the stuff in the bottle. Try this at home and see how the energy in the vial magically affects the mother’s strength. The most amazing thing about this technique is that the arm rises even if there’s nothing in the vial.
Cupping – Don’t have access to antibiotics for pneumonia? No problem. Strip the patient to the waist. Have them lie prone on a bed. Heat up a bunch of glasses over the fire. Apply the glasses in multiple places on the patient’s back. Systematically remove the glasses from the back which makes a pleasant popping sound and leaves numerous welts on the patient’s back. Advise rest and offer plenty of fluids. 90% of the time the patient will be better in 48-72 hours. If not, consider trying penicillin mould.
Phrenology – Don’t have x-ray equipment? No problem. Have the patient lie on their back. Position yourself at the patient’s head. Gently run your hands over the patient’s scalp. It is eerie, but by palpating the various cranial bumps, you can tell as much about a person’s personality and mental traits as a geographic map tells you about the people who live in different parts of the world
Reflexology – This approach is increasingly popular. If you’re particular, have the patient wash their feet with an all-natural pleasant-smelling soap. Position yourself at the “foot of the table” (you think that’s a coincidence?) Carefully examine the patterns of the bottoms of the feet. It is eerie, but by palpating the various spots of their feet, you can identify abnormalities in the patient’s heart, kidney or liver. These illnesses often result from a buildup of “toxins” in the organs. This can be treated with high colonic enemas using special long rubber gloves and hoses endorsed by Gwyneth Paltrow.
Iridology – This approach is much like reflexology except you don’t have to deal with the patient’s feet. By looking carefully into their eyes, you can identify abnormalities in the patient’s heart, kidney or liver. Truth be told, you can determine certain metabolic diseases, copper overload, high blood pressure and heart disease. If you find heart disease, you might consider taking willow bark on a daily basis as described below. Many of the other illnesses result from a buildup of “toxins” in the organs. Refer back to the previous section for advice on toxin cleansing.
Aches and Pains – As someone who is deeply skeptical of taking drugs, it is useful to have knowledge of the natural health remedies used by humans for thousands of years before the era of modern medicine:
o Willow Bark - If you rip the bark off a willow tree, grind it into a powder, boil it in water, cool and drink – you will get all the same effects on fever and inflammation that you would get from taking one tenth of an aspirin.
o Foxglove – Find a foxglove plant, strip the leaves and boil in water and then drink the elixir on a regular basis. This will either help your heart failure or kill you depending on about all the different factors that the pharmaceutical chemists study for years to understand.
o Cold Water Fish Oil – Suffer from colitis. Why take all those dangerous and expensive drugs, when you can ingest cold water fish oil. If the idea of drinking cod liver oil or seal oil this makes you want to puke, you could use “all natural capsules”. This is till about 10% as effective as an anti-inflammatory drug but you wouldn’t get to meet all those neighborhood cats who start following you around after you have been on the fish oil for a while.
Identifying a Witch – This technique is a genuine American invention. I’ll outline several steps in the experiment: Find an elderly woman, not well loved in the village - preferably one with bad teeth and warts. Tie her to a stake in the village square. Arrange a bunch of wood around the base. Light a match. Throw it on the wood. If she burns to death, she’s a witch. This is now known as “confirmation bias”.
There are literally thousands of ideas like these that conventional medicine has chosen to ignore. Thankfully, we can count on RFK to redirect all those funds being wasted on research into the causes and cures for cancer, heart disease, diabetes, rheumatoid arthritis, malaria etc. One can hardly wait to see what he comes up with.
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